$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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