i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
