oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She's like a pop up book from hell.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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