after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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