just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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