I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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