her facebook's as public as her vagina
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
