I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Even my vagina gasped.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
