i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
