eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
