I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
