I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
