Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
