A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
