why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
