My balls are so social today.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
