There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
