Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
