Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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