I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
