Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
