New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
