girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
