so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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