when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You made out with two different species that night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When are your genitals available?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
