My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
