When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
