I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
