Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
