I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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