i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
