she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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