Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
