so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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