I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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