I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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