i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
