Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
