We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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