I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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