i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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