what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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