I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
