so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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