you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
