obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
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Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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