I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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