to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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