you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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