did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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