Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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