I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
