woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
