I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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